this post was written in a least three different states of mind - depressed, slightly euphoric and somewhere in between
and it had to be adjusted to those current feeling over and over...
a couple of weekends ago my sister E was visiting to take my mind off of things
and i filled the freezer with Ben&Jerry´s Karamel Sutra ice cream 
and got her a bag of roasted nuts and other treats for the journey back home even before she arrived
i´m still not able to cook like i used to but i´m getting excited for preparing a few little things
then she listened to a lot of tearful talking, we did some art therapy together 
and tried to get our version of BIRCHER MUESLI just right
a few days later they injected some radioactive sugar in my vein
(followed by something really diuretic which made me pee like never before - an amazing experience)
afterwards i tried to follow the Unbreakable Kimmy´s advice to try to just get through the next 10 seconds 
(i could only count to one actually - well, to be completely honest i didn´t manage a whole "one", just o´s)
while the pet scan machine rotated around me
turned out the doctors got to do what this department usually doesn´t:
they were able to tell me they couldn´t detect any tumors
just some inflammations in my abdomen - amazingly enough exactly in the area were it hurts for months now
and with that information i knew i should never ever doubt myself again, i DO know whats going on in my body
which was such a relief since i have been told for weeks now that i couldn´t trust myself
six hours later we started to celebrate my mum´s 60th BIRTHDAY, 
followed by a weekend of AGNES BERNAUER TORTE (my new favorite cake - this RECIPE looks like the real deal), farmers and flea markets,
rain and soccer
we´ve created a most beautiful engagement ring for some very dear clients
while i only did the design for the ring and stone, W had to create the whole thing
a fact that is very hard for me - not being able to do stuff
and it felt like i had started saying good bye to creating jewellery quite some time ago by now
a good bye that would break my heart at least a little 
actually being able to make things from the beginning to the end was really a huge part of how i work
so not being able to do so shattered me greatly
but the ring turned out so lovely i started to think about how i could still be involved in creating such things
and even though i haven´t figured it out yet, there might be some possibilities
so hopefully my heart will become a bit lighter and i might just have to learn to pass on the work
(actually i got to work with a lot of very nice guys on their engagement rings in the past months
and all of them were so kind and funny and considerate about the taste of their - hopefully - future wives
i feel myself starting to get a bit envious sometimes ;) )
since there will have to be major changes to how our pieces will be produced
we´ve put everything currently in stock in the SHOP again
most things only in a few ready made sizes - other sizes will only be available on special request
(we very likely won´t go on with producing on demand)
and we will have to discontinue a lot of things - so in case you had your eyes on something, this is the last chance
on the other side, i have this dream to leave everything i ever did behind and to start over new
but where and how and with what - i´m floating in the open ideas sea here...
and since i´m already writing about possibly passing on some work, letting someone help me
- i have always been someone who does it all by herself -
(besides getting help from my GARDENER and from W in the workshop)
so not being able to fight through this on my own is really hard
but by now i know i would be broken by now without the hugs and encouraging words of my hospital "room mates", 
complete strangers who offered a helping hand or brought me back on track with a funny saying
and of course you out there, sending your love (i´m tearing up every time i think about it...)
THANK YOU (again) (and again) (and again)
i´m always worried if it´s such a good idea to share all this health stuff right when it´s happening, 
but then i found this quote on Manrepeller´s MONOCYCLE:
It’s important to share what I’m going through while I’m in it as opposed to sharing once I’ve overcome it — after I’ve been able to put the experience in a box and wrap it in fancy words and call it a first person essay, because this is real life, right? And between the inspiring stories of victory and triumph that emerge out of despair and the road blocks that life throws in our tracks in an attempt to derail us, there is the very real question of, 
“But what do I do NOW? To make myself feel better in the present? While I’m still going through it?”
I don’t have a profound answer, but sometimes, it seems, just sharing is enough.
my FRIEND was wearing this MUKU DRESS the other day and now i want one too
the first TV i would actually buy
currently reading THE LUMINAIRES and i love it so much, had no idea i would be into a gold digger mystery story