Come on, come on, come on, come on! Take it!
At this point I feel like I can do nothing and everything at once. When it feels like my body is failing me yet again, I have to put in all I´ve got to not completely give into crippling panic. Even food needs to be fought down, which is the scariest battle of all. Just-in-case emergency backup plans are made even for the tiniest tasks, so they don´t seem to be so scary. But even though I was having a hard time making the call to place the order (because of the excitement of telephoning) an insane amount of newly cast pieces has just been delivered to the workshop for finishing touches. I spent an unreasonable amount of money on it, basically all I had. What was left I wasted on some hot pink La Perla at TK Maxx that should go really nice with my aforementioned usual white cotton KNICKERS.
And then, on a Friday night I became godmother of the tiniest sweetest baby girl I have ever seen - I felt overwhelmed by just looking at her, even though my only tasks for a while will be getting her cute dresses and fun toys. On Sunday I found out about lucid dreaming and by Monday night I was already flying off a dreamscape rooftop - feeling like a cheat because it was the easiest thing.
When I felt myself completely cornered by my overwhelmingly frightening physical being, left almost frozen with fear, I caught a glimpse of something beautiful - something I had done without really fine for such a long time. And just like that I realized how much I actually want this to happen. Now I´m really scared by the thought that this might indeed not be meant for me and that thought hurts a lot. It has locked itself into my ever racing mind keeping me awake at night and exhausted all day long - at the time when nothing seems to work anymore I start dreaming of the big stuff...
Have I gotten insane? How can I dare to do this when a quite possible letdown might be the very last shattering blow to those shaking grounds of mine? Do I actually go all out when there´s almost nothing left over to lose? You know, that other word for freedom? Am I going down with flying colours or have I just finally reached the heart of the blues? If I had a decent voice I would definitely be able to sing it by now, my throat and soul are hoarse. Pass on the whiskey, my heart is on fire and running low on fuel! Take another little piece of it! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
I am going to dance. Shining - probably quite sweaty.
All out, all in.
(candle holder by W)
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