(me, June 2017, in all my glory, wearing underpants under my swim wear to match my cat - graciously hidden behind the overexposure: being tired on the brink of fainting, hot-water-bottle-induced skin damage + weight loss)

Come on, come on, come on, come on! Take it!

At this point I feel like I can do nothing and everything at once. When it feels like my body is failing me yet again, I have to put in all I´ve got to not completely give into crippling panic. Even food needs to be fought down, which is the scariest battle of all. Just-in-case emergency backup plans are made even for the tiniest tasks, so they don´t seem to be so scary. But even though I was having a hard time making the call to place the order (because of the excitement of telephoning) an insane amount of newly cast pieces has just been delivered to the workshop for finishing touches. I spent an unreasonable amount of money on it, basically all I had. What was left I wasted on some hot pink La Perla at TK Maxx that should go really nice with my aforementioned usual white cotton KNICKERS

And then, on a Friday night I became godmother of the tiniest sweetest baby girl I have ever seen - I felt overwhelmed by just looking at her, even though my only tasks for a while will be getting her cute dresses and fun toys. On Sunday I found out about lucid dreaming and by Monday night I was already flying off a dreamscape rooftop - feeling like a cheat because it was the easiest thing.

When I felt myself completely cornered by my overwhelmingly frightening physical being, left almost frozen with fear, I caught a glimpse of something beautiful - something I had done without really fine for such a long time. And just like that I realized how much I actually want this to happen. Now I´m really scared by the thought that this might indeed not be meant for me and that thought hurts a lot. It has locked itself into my ever racing mind keeping me awake at night and exhausted all day long - at the time when nothing seems to work anymore I start dreaming of the big stuff...

Have I gotten insane? How can I dare to do this when a quite possible letdown might be the very last shattering blow to those shaking grounds of mine? Do I actually go all out when there´s almost nothing left over to lose? You know, that other word for freedom? Am I going down with flying colours or have I just finally reached the heart of the blues? If I had a decent voice I would definitely be able to sing it by now, my throat and soul are hoarse. Pass on the whiskey, my heart is on fire and running low on fuel! Take another little piece of it! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

I am going to dance. Shining - probably quite sweaty. 

All out, all in.

(candle holder by W)


When I was waiting for the traffic lights to change one day I spotted a sticker by some punk band called Schreikrampf (screaming fit) on the lamp post and that word made me want to maybe try writing in German sometime. It does not work so far, I´m not ready yet it seams, but I might start to collect some more words for future purposes.

Sometimes when I wake at night and I don´t find my cat snuggled up next to me, I open the window and call for her, very quietly. She usually comes cantering across the street from the neighbors place, looking like a silent tiny black and white race horse, no thundering hooves but squeaking a response to my calls.

Wenn ich nachts aufwache und keine Katze im Bett finde, rufe ich leise aus dem Fenster nach ihr - wie ein sehr kleines Rennpferd galoppiert sie dann über die Straße.

No - it really doesn´t work... most definitely not.

Before Easter I finally put the utterly trashy plastic Miffy cookie cutter to use to make BROWN SUGAR SANDWICH COOKIES which are very addictive, just like the pink cutter bug I caught from ME & ORLA and passed on to MILAS DELI. I also made PEANUT DATE BARS - the wrapping paper just wouldn´t wrap and I couldn´t be bothered with using twine or masking tape or any such things, so I used rubber bands and I do hope I´ve started a major food styling trend.

A few weeks ago there was a class reunion that turned out rather drab, the highlight being (next to the first trace of lilac in the air that night) an old flame ordering a gin tonic that tasted like a very delicious cucumber salad spiced with lots of pepper and smoked salt. It made me want to turn into someone who has boozy drinks on a regular basis, maybe that might even be a way to self-medicate. I sometimes just wish for a really fun (and utterly yummy) way to lighten the mood, to lift the curtain of anxiety a bit. Oh, I totally see how unhealthy that sounds, but there´s really no danger - I haven´t had a drink in years and the tiny bottles of white wine I bring home are exclusively used for my risotto-style rice puddings. When I think about it, I really have a weak spot for using booze in food - cake glazes, OTCHIPOTCHI´S WHITE WINE BISCUITS, or BUNNIES made of a dough containing Cointreau and then there is this cheese made with beer at one of the whole food stores I can´t get enough of. And despite the fact that I´m not even a meat eater the smell of a roast doused with beer when I ride by a traditional Bavarian inn on my way into town always gets me - and now come summer there´s always the smell of barbecue in the air which I like best when they pour a bit of ale over the meat and fire.

My battery run out at once when I took some pictures and mostly videos of my sister E with the first bits of our new collection in the workshop, but we did get some really fun shots and although some of the styles have been changed by now and we´re going to do another session as soon as she finishes her bachelor´s degree this summer, I do not want to keep these from you.

And then there is the flower bed in my garden that turns regular tulips into parrot varieties - I´m currently in the process of transplanting them elsewhere to see if they stay that way. Could this actually happen? Is there some kind of secret cross-pollination going on?

Because it features the sentence "EAT YOUR OWN GRASS-FED CAT".
There was already quite a bit of pink involved in the making of the Miffies, but this is actually edible pink: PUFFED RICE DONUTS
Suddenly almost every picture on this blog had disappeared and all you could see were tiny question marks, so while I copied and pasted html code for hours and hours I listened to the VIOLET SESSIONS. I also found some drafts I have never published, mostly because I was afraid there was pain in there again and again and this made me think I should maybe come up with a different subject once in a while, but maybe I´m wrong about that and this is just my specialty. One of them was really good, which is kind of amazing, since I remember writing it at a very dark time and I seldom like what I´ve written anyway.
EVENCLEVELAND has started an INSTAGRAM BOOK CLUB and at first I wasn´t sure what to think about reading a book on vaccinations called ON IMMUNITY, but then I was pretty amazed and haven´t stopped talking about it to everyone I know (and I´m thrilled to be part of a group organized by the creator of THIS).

But I guess I´ll end with a very German - starting very Upper Palatinate I should say - greeting (we won´t stop at one or two greeting words, no, we just pile it on and on):
Pfiadi - servus! Danke - tschüss!


next up in our BOOK CLUB:

we´re meeting on 17.5., 19.30
in case you want to join us, send an email to mail(at)wsake.com 
and i´ll let you know the details


These days it feels like I´m living in a gratitude list, so much to enjoy: the slight crackle of pine cones in this unseasonal heat and the clicking of the very old Shimano gear change riding my bike underneath their branches. Asparagus pee smell! Lovely! A poor mouse giving birth to two babies while being caught in a trap (nibbling on a piece of chocolate in between i hope) - felt so sorry for the little creature, but also: LIFE!  Replacing a lot of the shrubs that didn´t make it through this harsh winter with sunroses in various colours, because they not only seem to thrive in the soil of this garden, it´s also SUN + ROSES! Painted my finger nails for the first time in almost two years, which is weird since I own almost a hundred of those tiny bottles - didn´t like, it just doesn´t fit right now, along with a lot of my clothes. They just don´t work, can´t stand a too tight fabric hug, pantyhose work strangely enough, but other than that: FREEDOM! The biggest bargain I made on the flea market was meeting a girl wearing three pieces of our jewellery - I offered her a discount for the next piece right away and she let me take her picture. We have a FAN, so nice! And here´s a question for you: does anyone find the scent of a pear tree in bloom at night pretty sexy, or is it just me? Do I have Spring feelings like the obviously neutered Persian tomcat stalking my likewise neutered cat for weeks now, looking at her with saucer-like eyes, hissing at me (and her) showing off his saber-tooth fangs and then spending the night in my cellar, desperately waiting for her to leave my bedroom and join him? I actually hope I´m nothing like those two, since she´s making scared-to-death-noises as soon as she spots him and the hair standing up along her spine is starting to resemble a fin - he just seems genuinely disturbed. I think my condition could be called seasonal happiness - my mood is so light these days it´s almost disturbing.

There are still panicky moments in between, when I can´t place a symptom, a poking feeling in my belly, an aching where I think the heart is located.

By now I can´t unlock my Iphone using touch-ID anymore, which means I have been able to hang around at the workshop for quite a bit and developing calluses obviously does change ones finger prints.

We´re working on those bits I carved out of wax last summer, had cast in brass (by a very shitty caster) and which are now evolving into something even more crazy than I thought they would. When I asked W if he thinks some of my "combinations" are nutty enough he sighed with relief "oh, you´re actually going for insane on purpose!". He also finds the breeding phase we´re currently in quite grinding, I however love it - there´s nothing better, my trust in finding a solution for these kind of things in life is endless which puts me in a very relaxed state of mind. Even having trouble falling asleep some nights because I´m pondering some eyelet problems I find delightful. Since I started to work with jewellery I always had the very lucky feeling ideas would just come to me, whenever they are ready and if they´re not that great, then I just let them go (this might be happening to that cat chasing a tiny bird over her head) - no hard feelings about that, no work feels ever wasted (well, it does but only when the caster just burns down your carvings), no pressure, no block. Someday it´s just there. Yes, I´m being full of GRATITUDE for that!


This year started with the loss of our beloved Citroen DS and me checking into a clinic to find possible psychosomatic reasons for chronic pain - the car actually died on the drive there when W managed to not make it slide into the roadside ditch after the engine broke down on a very snowy road. What was left got sold right on the spot to the mechanic who came to pick it up. This car had a steadfast love affair with the ADAC anyway so this should be a lasting match. After driving historic ones for decades W went with a car made in 2012 and after six weeks of exhausting therapy I came to the conclusion that the roots of my illness are not to be found in my head or heart, those two however do get affected by it.

It felt pretty much exactly like living in Thomas Mann´s Zauberberg with the clinic not only being specialized in lung diseases but also located on top of a (get out of here!) very snowy mountain. We even developed various respiratory diseases during our stay and seemed to get sicker every day, so all the breathing we had to do - being connected to electrodes, or doing muscle relaxing stuff and mindfulness exercises - got a bit laboured. My diet consisted of potatoes, rice, steamed-to-death vegetables and saw dust parmesan and we slept on hellish mattresses, maybe to test our endurance but probably because they were the cheapest to be had. After three weeks of seeing sickness as a chance, turning lemons into lemonade, getting lectured on the great quality of life to be had by cancer patients and disabled people by concentrating on the "really important things" and having to watch videos on Youtube made for toddlers, I lost it big time in art therapy. This tantrum was considered to be my big break through so I started to behave like a very angry teenager from then on, well, I tried, because I was also very sad and tired and sick since - as mentioned above - bronchitis and pneumonia was starting to spread. Lavender tea was distributed in tiny doses like heavy drugs in the evenings so we acted accordingly, developed an addicton and dealt tea bags on the hallways. My therapist was cat-crazy and very engaged, but even though the motto was treatment on equal footing all I felt was like a kid doing and having done everything wrong. By checking into the clinic one stopped being a capable adult and was degraded to a not really functioning human being in need of reprogramming - I very much detested that. Nevertheless I was actually really committed to trying everything they offered, I even joined a "healthful" singing group and played free style piano and kalimba (which gave me a very interesting tumb twitching).

The one thing about dropping my phone in the toilet that does not bother me is the loss of all the pictures I took during those wretched weeks.

A couple of weeks in I started fantasizing about the food I would make and eat when I would come home again, which was probably caused by my strange diet. Some evenings I was so hungry I actually asked fellow patients if I could "borrow" some of their sweets. I became a bit obsessed what kind of granola I´d make first - in the end I made my CLASSIC VERSION, but I also started dreaming about quinoa flakes, hazelnuts, goji berries and lots of salt and cardamom. Of course I over ate completely right after I left the clinic, making a pasta bake each day, followed by a healthy dose of gummy bears and Bavarian donuts. My pasta (or gnocchi) bakes are a serious matter, they consist of vegetables, fruits, nuts, fine cheeses and a bechamel sauce made of ghee and goat milk - a mixture prone to make you very sleepy and calm because there´s so much digesting to do.

I came to realize how I have probably always led a very small life, due to anxiety and various conditions causing more anxiety and then some conditions that made me a bit immobile even without anxiety - but also because that´s just how I am. For me the best part about travelling is the way home, the rest is sometimes just too much. I remembered how I started taking pictures to calm down during trips, to have something to focus on - now I found out this is an actual method to deal with anxiety called skilling. What also works for me is browsing the sale sections of my favorite online stores when the internet connection is really bad and it takes ages to load a single picture - this makes me loose my mind in a whole different way. Since this sounds like a very superficial thing to do I might add that producing GIFs also makes my mind feel at ease because I have to concentrate really hard.

In the last year I felt like that small life started to shrink even further, bit after bit started to slip away and I really hated that - still do. It has gotten pretty tiny so you might think by now I´m down to the essentials which would be great, but to actually fill a life with them, those essentials would have to grow, to be nurtured and tended to. And I was very fond of those non-essential parts of my life and I´m still very sad about the fact to see them go. Oh dear, this is hard work! Even harder because there is this part of me thinking if I only try hard enough I could overcome this pain, besiege all this with a merciless grip - trying hard is actually a good choice, but it seams to be more about trying hard to be patient and kind and sometimes allowing myself to be utterly devastated, full of self-pity. I have a strong will to get better but I simply can´t will myself so.

But it is very hard to accept my own weakness on a daily basis, even the thought of a week ahead filled with nice events makes me feel overwhelmed sometimes and then all of my weeks are riddled with really painful physiotherapy sessions which can be quite draining especially when I don´t feel that improved afterwards but more like maintained instead. Accepting the reality of this kind of life being mine now and forever is SO hard, like when I did a bit of work in the workshop again, loved it and was in SO much pain afterwards. Which means I am still at the anger stage of grieving and I haven´t figured out how to move in this new body and life of mine, I bump into things a lot trying to figure out how to work with those fresh limitations. And there is this voice in my head telling me to just get over it since it is starting to get quite boring, for the people surrounding me and myself.

So far when my life started to feel too small I tried to "create" a bigger one, either inventing it in elaborate day-dreams for my own pleasure, or making up actual worlds not only for me but also others to look at (maybe this blog is one of those worlds), or - most importantly - actually "making stuff happen", making life happen. I "invented" my job, it gave me a lot of satisfaction and money to live on. It even gave me new friends! Ace! My blog did so too! I "invented" un-imaginary friends - that´s quite an achievement!

When I finally came home I took a bath (taking a lovely smelling bath seams to be a treatment for a lot of things even in faculties dealing with the clinical depressed, but then this department was run by someone who believed sitting in rocking chairs to be the solution to a lot of ailments) even though I knew I would hate it and with that I decided to just stop doing the things someone else thinks are good for me and trust myself instead. So I slept a lot, I´m still feeling very exhausted actually from all that mental work and then I started to get shit done which is one of my favorite things to do. Before I went to the clinic I got buying cat food in bulk done so thoroughly I probably won´t even know how it is done anymore when I have to do it again. So now I started to take up the delightful task to deal with phone companies and insurances, finally put up all my so far acquired cat paintings so beautifully framed by my sister E and her boyfriend, started to build a trellis on my patio to block the ghastly view and tried to be very thankful for all those mice the cat dragged in (one of those desperate creatures even made it into the fridge somehow, but in the end I trap them all with a piece of chocolate - alive, of course).

My new identity (apparently i need a new one, since the old one was too focused on work) consists now on meeting up as much as possible with friends, snatching up a bright red Vitamix on Ebay (thank you RIKE for your inspiration) to avoid arm pains when cooking (a purchase that makes me feel rather guilty, which amazes me a bit since i never feel like that when shopping for clothes) and expanding my experiences with BREATH WORK. So I signed up for Lauren Spencer King´s 10 DAY BREATHWORK MEDITATION CHALLENGE right away when i read her announcement. Ashley Neese also posts a lot of breathing exercises like these for STRESS RELIEF.

So far I had an amazing slice of vegan poppy seed cake with a friend who let me vent a lot, fries at a Greek place, met up with my BOOK CLUB and let a bunch of bright red anemones almost rot on the kitchen table (the smell is fascinatingly bad). I wrote about it a few other times, but i find stones and minerals quite lovely right now - my sister E was visiting a couple of weeks ago and i introduced her to the amazement that is our local mineral shop, where the most insane things can happen. Like the rant of a customer about the hard time he has finding the perfect house with enough space to store a rain coat collection which wasn´t the only thing making him really mad - he also found out that his Japanese wife does actually not want to have children. The shop owners considerate answer to this was that he really had to take his pet rabbit to the vet next week. This made us buy a lot of those stone disks to be worn on a string of leather which i always hated but now came to love. Hopefully they are not only infused with mineral magic but also with that rollicking mad atmosphere.

I suddenly realized that I´m probably like the most annoying characters in various (children) novels - the one always having to retreat to bed, burdening everyone with their endless suffering and neediness. Definitely not the one facing a grave illness heroically with a smile on their face, wasting away while still working hard for others, finally dying oh so bravely. No, I´m the one either shut up in an attic or terrorising the family with migraines, neglecting the task of bringing up the children alright - simply because of a weak mind. Some likeable depressed characters come to mind but it seems I can´t recall a lovely forever sick one - were are the ones who make the average sufferer feel better not worse?

Thank you for your INPUT on publishing this particular post or not - i love you!