actually next to really loving designing and working on jewellery and all things metal
and being really stubborn and therefor preferring working on my own
pain was a big reason for coming up with WSAKE
.
i know out there people suffer from far more excruciating pain
and probably most of them don´t get any help
i don´t wail, but pain was a really big part of my life a few years back and it still is
pain is a sucker
it really is
sucks quite a bit right out of you
very tiring for body and mind
.
i don´t need any help now putting on socks and tights and underpants
cutting food or getting out of the bath tub
i don´t spend hours lying face down on a sitting ball where the only things you can do is cross stitch and read
i don´t try to sleep kneeling or don´t sit down ever
i don´t need to breath and struggle through huge fit, constantly moving to not feel so much
i don´t need heavy pain killers anymore
.
a lot of people told me i had to fight this
and i know that there are a lot of diseases where you have to turn your body into a war zone
i totally respect that
but i can´t fight a body that tries its best to function and just can´t
you don´t work against the pain you breath with it
and also you should sometimes act quickly to avoid recording too many pain memories
this is nothing to rush, you don´t jump out of it that easily
.
actually i felt kind of strong during the peek of the pain
when it started to get easier due to medication
tiredness hit from being so brave and not crying all the time
and there came pressure to really get going now
with whatever
now that it´s better, almost good
.
i still can´t do a "regular" job and that is okay
i don´t mourne for time lost or opportunities missed out
never did
somehow it still happens for a reason - it´s still my way
and i´ve learned so much
about what might be good for my body, about getting help
about the miracles of physiotheraphy (really, those guys are my heros - i wrote so quite often but i happily do so every day)
and - of course - medication
i feel like i´ve grown, don´t know where, don´t know what
.
and i know i should do something that makes me happy
and for me that is making jewellery with my father right now
and somehow it will work out
i really try to be sure
.
TINY BOUQUET #25 SWEET DECAY
my neighbour likes decorating her house
but compared to quite hideous santas climbing the walls come christmas time
this illuminated goose is actually kind of pretty
even my grandmother looked forward to its appereance at the end of each october
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