4.7.18

(As you can see, W hates me right now. I even made him arch the bottoms of the settings of our new pendants and ear rings - he agrees that it made all the difference, but still hates me. Just joking.)


Nothing fits these days, I feel like I am trying to wriggle out of a shell, shedding some old layers, some skin. Actually my skin has gotten so dry, it starts to crumble and fall off at the slightest touch - I might be a snake. I am perpertually restless, probably fired on by always checking something on my phone, the weather, messages, Instagram. Apparently my birthday has brought on a midlife crisis. I want things out of my life and since I am starting slow, I actually started with "things" first and set up a SALE (unbezahlte WERBUNG, da Marken/Namensnennung). It is going okay, but it is not enough. 

I am not really seeing a perspective, a vision. I always thought the real thing was still waiting around the corner, the present only being a transit area, not "it". Being at school meant graduating soon, graduating meant a bit of time to relax and to figure things out. Then there is being a student, which also meant graduating and moving on, a job about to come. And when you got one of those, you are young at first and fresh and just started out, so there has to come something else after that. I was never just there, in that moment. I was always looking to what might come next, since "now" always felt not really right, not wrong either, just not a good fit. But "now" is all I got now, this is "it" after all, this is what my life is going to look like for a long, long time. I am neither very young nor just starting anymore, I am already "there". But I do not know for sure what "there" is. And I think it shows.

Also I am riddled with guilt. I feel guilty when I have some soba noodles not only made of buckwheat, but regular wheat, too. When I have half a bar of my favorite chocolate, since there is milk powder and sugar in it. When I heat a jar of vegan bolognese sauce, since there are so many ingredients on the label, which is bad. A long ingredient list is always bad, even if the ingredients are actually quite nice on their own I am told. I also feel guilty when I spend money on these things. Money is tight theses days, so maybe I should just eat less and no treats. I felt the worst, when my dad lent me 50€ and I got a hair clip and a soap dispenser shaped like a cat at a charity booth. Now everyone tells me about intermittent fasting, how I should try that and when I look it up and tell them I have been accidentally doing this for the last ten years due to a late breakfast and an early supper, they say I am probably doing it all wrong, otherwise I would be completely healthy. So I am guilty of wrong fasting, too. From noon till night I crave food, phantasize about food, eat food.  And of course feel guilty about it, too. I should "feel full" after a big salad and only have two dried dates and five almonds for desert. But I don´t, I just never feel full. Currently I am mesmerized by Rachel Cusk´s The Bradshaw Variations (unbezahlte WERBUNG, da Marken/Namensnennung), but what makes me stare in the distant with delight is the mention of Bourbon Biscuits (unbezahlte WERBUNG, da Marken/Namensnennung). I look them up and find out, they are sadly not made with booze, but I am still pondering getting those COOKIE CUTTERS (unbezahlte WERBUNG, da Marken/Namensnennung). I dream about being pregnant, looking at my big belly in the mirror, sideways. Then I pick out some tiny pink and light grey onesies and feel guilty about buying them - the baby might never be born after all. The dream was probably caused by a bit of stomachache in combination with night sweats. In a dream a few nights later I am apparently on a date with a guy carrying a baby in those carrier-things. It is his, distinctively not mine, I do not look at it, nor care about it. I know indeed nothing at all about it. And I know I really should feel guilty, since I am not the mum and he kisses my check anyway. But I don´t. I think I know who he is and he actually does have a baby and there is a mum to go with it, which makes it even weirder. 

Then I discover watermelon, I think watermelon is the key. I feel so relieved. It will cure me of all things.











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