welcome to my personal whining blog

where i´m wailing over my life and complain a lot in general

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my arms smell like Voltaren Forte most days and that "scent" is beginning to stress me out

it really does not trigger some king of lovely olfactory memories

my limbs feel leaden and useless

the heavily rose scented warm night air fails to make me feel happy as usual

but makes me think about yet another season passing with me feeling disabled
and the fading smell of the linden trees makes me melancholic
just like the mold hiding between the strawberries from the farmers market

when asked what i do for a living i don´t want to reply with "create jewellery" any more now

it feels like a fraud when what i´m actually doing is tell other people how to make it for me

to me it does not feel like i´m the boss and that´s what i do

but like i´m ducking out instead
and it´s also really hard to see someone (my new workshop "slave")
struggle with tasks i was once able to perform to perfection
(ok, i´ll admit that after a few more hours he has become quite handy)
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so - of course - this signet ring was made my W, i only came up with the basic scetches and the engraving

(i always use Futura - i know there are a lot of amazing fonts out there, but this one is just it for me)

the wedding bands were created by him also

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i´m glad about every day i don´t feel depressed somehow

this strange mood underlining everything, this weird dimming of your internal lights

a mental state i´m trying to confront with a lot of fresh air, movement, work and friends

on the other hand i know it is okay for me to feel like that

since i´m mourning a life i had that was based on me being very skilful with my hands

and now i´m feeling slightly handicapped instead

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also i always feel slightly sick when riding my bike through my neighborhood each day

seeing the streets i walked/staggered along a couple of times each day to keep my busy during my worst time

this probably means i need new memories now, new sights and smell
here are a few things to start with:

4 O'CLOCK NO-BAKE ENERGY BITES

STRAWBERRY RHUBARB CRISP BARS because of MILAS DELI

BROWN BUTTER NECTARINE COBBLER (because of NINA)

STRAWBERRY PEANUT BUTTER SHAKE
on instagram: MOLLYORANGETTE, PERSONALPRACTICE

trying to get my hands on some LIBERTY FABRIC now with the Pound so cheap
(and then make my mum sew some summer skirts for me - she does an excellent job)
i hate BREXIT nevertheless
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my cat is a drug addict - she does not only "do" catnip but elder and yew too

this garden is a poisonous affair and i´m sorry to say i didn´t get high but a RASH instead

so my advice would be to keep away from any kind of spurge 
and burning bush in full bloom when the sun is shining
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fun fact: W found that antique pink flowery mug on the flea market himself
and declared it perfect for drinking his coffee from
with it being the same shape like his last cup from which he had by now almost completely rubbed off the gold rim 
when warming his hands
sometimes he does have a fancy taste

get a 15% discount with the code WSAKELOVESYOU
on everything* in the SHOP until Saturday, 25.6.!

there will be some major changes in the future of WSAKE, so a lot of pieces will be discontinued

there are only a few sizes and styles left - this might be your last chance...

(*discount only applies to orders placed directly in the shop, not to custom orders 

also allow a bit more shipping time in case of increased

this post was written in a least three different states of mind - depressed, slightly euphoric and somewhere in between

and it had to be adjusted to those current feeling over and over...

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a couple of weekends ago my sister E was visiting to take my mind off of things

and i filled the freezer with Ben&Jerry´s Karamel Sutra ice cream 

and got her a bag of roasted nuts and other treats for the journey back home even before she arrived

i´m still not able to cook like i used to but i´m getting excited for preparing a few little things

then she listened to a lot of tearful talking, we did some art therapy together 

and tried to get our version of BIRCHER MUESLI just right

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a few days later they injected some radioactive sugar in my vein

(followed by something really diuretic which made me pee like never before - an amazing experience)

afterwards i tried to follow the Unbreakable Kimmy´s advice to try to just get through the next 10 seconds 

(i could only count to one actually - well, to be completely honest i didn´t manage a whole "one", just o´s)

while the pet scan machine rotated around me

turned out the doctors got to do what this department usually doesn´t:

they were able to tell me they couldn´t detect any tumors

just some inflammations in my abdomen - amazingly enough exactly in the area were it hurts for months now

and with that information i knew i should never ever doubt myself again, i DO know whats going on in my body

which was such a relief since i have been told for weeks now that i couldn´t trust myself

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six hours later we started to celebrate my mum´s 60th BIRTHDAY, 
followed by a weekend of AGNES BERNAUER TORTE (my new favorite cake - this RECIPE looks like the real deal), farmers and flea markets,
rain and soccer

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we´ve created a most beautiful engagement ring for some very dear clients

while i only did the design for the ring and stone, W had to create the whole thing

a fact that is very hard for me - not being able to do stuff

and it felt like i had started saying good bye to creating jewellery quite some time ago by now

a good bye that would break my heart at least a little 

actually being able to make things from the beginning to the end was really a huge part of how i work

so not being able to do so shattered me greatly

but the ring turned out so lovely i started to think about how i could still be involved in creating such things

and even though i haven´t figured it out yet, there might be some possibilities

so hopefully my heart will become a bit lighter and i might just have to learn to pass on the work

(actually i got to work with a lot of very nice guys on their engagement rings in the past months

and all of them were so kind and funny and considerate about the taste of their - hopefully - future wives

i feel myself starting to get a bit envious sometimes ;) )

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since there will have to be major changes to how our pieces will be produced

we´ve put everything currently in stock in the SHOP again

most things only in a few ready made sizes - other sizes will only be available on special request

(we very likely won´t go on with producing on demand)

and we will have to discontinue a lot of things - so in case you had your eyes on something, this is the last chance

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on the other side, i have this dream to leave everything i ever did behind and to start over new

but where and how and with what - i´m floating in the open ideas sea here...

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and since i´m already writing about possibly passing on some work, letting someone help me

- i have always been someone who does it all by herself -

(besides getting help from my GARDENER and from W in the workshop)

so not being able to fight through this on my own is really hard

but by now i know i would be broken by now without the hugs and encouraging words of my hospital "room mates", 

complete strangers who offered a helping hand or brought me back on track with a funny saying

and of course you out there, sending your love (i´m tearing up every time i think about it...)

THANK YOU (again) (and again) (and again)

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i´m always worried if it´s such a good idea to share all this health stuff right when it´s happening, 
but then i found this quote on Manrepeller´s MONOCYCLE:

It’s important to share what I’m going through while I’m in it as opposed to sharing once I’ve overcome it — after I’ve been able to put the experience in a box and wrap it in fancy words and call it a first person essay, because this is real life, right? And between the inspiring stories of victory and triumph that emerge out of despair and the road blocks that life throws in our tracks in an attempt to derail us, there is the very real question of, 
“But what do I do NOW? To make myself feel better in the present? While I’m still going through it?”

I don’t have a profound answer, but sometimes, it seems, just sharing is enough.

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my FRIEND was wearing this MUKU DRESS the other day and now i want one too

MARBLE  QUARRIES (via THE SPHINX AND THE MILKY WAY)

THOUGHT CATALOG

the first TV i would actually buy
currently reading THE LUMINAIRES and i love it so much, had no idea i would be into a gold digger mystery story

a week ago i was at my darling friends wedding

taking place at our city´s dark wood panelled registry office

it was a short and lovely affair, very official but light hearted and intimate
and i wish both of them (actually three - including their tiny baby boy) all the best

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she wore one of our CHANGE NECKLACES with her stunning Vivienne Westwood dress

which made me very proud

and i forgot to put on my new shoes in the last minute

something i had been waiting for since i got them weeks and weeks ago...

that´s why i´m posting pictures of what my outfit should have looked like

(isn´t that PALOMA WOOL COAT DRESS amazing?!)

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made her a bouquet with flowers from the garden

not the official one of course - i can´t be trusted with things like that right now

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forgot it was father´s day so i gave him some wild garlic scones inspired STEPHANINI

my mom got camomille short bread, store bought macaroons 

(the first turned out utterly bitter and the second gave us food poisoning)

and a vintage candy dish i conveniently found at the flea market the day before
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next week i will check into a hospital for a lot of diagnostical checks
including a spinal tap, CT scan and other stuff
and i´m utterly, utterly scared

here are a few thank-you-flowers

for your kind words and messages

and your patience when it comes to orders

it´s still only W who´s working and it isn´t easy since we do different things in the workshop

and now i have to sometimes show him how to do my tasks (instead of the other way round)
this year we had planned for him to teach me everything i didn´t know so far ( so he could retire at some point)
but none of this is happening right now

so we´ve slowed waaaaaay down

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i´m still waiting, which can be very tiresome and frustrating

and i´m always so glad when a day ends on a not so bad note

still my pain hasn´t got a definite name
but quite an array of impressive possible diagnoses

it´s all so vague and keeps getting vaguer with every specialist

hopes getting shattered, good spirits crushed

and i try to choose getting better so hard

but willing to heal my body doesn´t seem to be enough most days

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since i´m not so tired anymore right now

i walk a lot - by now i have found five secret paths in my neighbourhood

in case someone should be watching me, they´d probably think i´m insane

since i´m telling the collared doves i meet how cute they are,

take a close look at all the the inscriptions in the grave yard (probably not a mood booster)

and try to work out ways how to "save" those parrot tulips from an abandoned construction site

(i think i´ll do it someday midmorning when everyone is at work and there won´t be any witnesses)