It was one of the last days before a two week long cold spell hit, when I got to visit a dear friend and beekeeper (and her tiny assistant) in their wonderful shared huge garden on one of the islands in the river Danube here in Regensburg. In some parts of Bavaria one of the following particularly frosty nights killed the flowers on the fruit trees destroying this years crop, but around here the cold wasn´t so devastating and Stephanie´s bees only took a little break from work and picked up their pollinating duty as soon as it got a bit warmer again.
The day being Good Friday everything was very calm and oddly serene as we followed the bees around under the blossoming trees - it felt quite enchanting.

Last year I got to work on her packaging design - meaning a label to put on the glasses - for the honey that is harvested on these trees (and those of the neighbouring gardens - in case the bees decide to take a detour over the river they might even come by my parents´ trees), in exchange for a steady supply of honey. This is what I consider a very sweet deal!


Now all of you can buy that honey too! Just visit Stephanie´s Shop SCHWESTERNLIEBE or find it HERE.

(me, June 2017, in all my glory, wearing underpants under my swim wear to match my cat - graciously hidden behind the overexposure: being tired on the brink of fainting, hot-water-bottle-induced skin damage + weight loss)




Come on, come on, come on, come on! Take it!

At this point I feel like I can do nothing and everything at once. When it feels like my body is failing me yet again, I have to put in all I´ve got to not completely give into crippling panic. Even food needs to be fought down, which is the scariest battle of all. Just-in-case emergency backup plans are made even for the tiniest tasks, so they don´t seem to be so scary. But even though I was having a hard time making the call to place the order (because of the excitement of telephoning) an insane amount of newly cast pieces has just been delivered to the workshop for finishing touches. I spent an unreasonable amount of money on it, basically all I had. What was left I wasted on some hot pink La Perla at TK Maxx that should go really nice with my aforementioned usual white cotton KNICKERS. 

And then, on a Friday night I became godmother of the tiniest sweetest baby girl I have ever seen - I felt overwhelmed by just looking at her, even though my only tasks for a while will be getting her cute dresses and fun toys. On Sunday I found out about lucid dreaming and by Monday night I was already flying off a dreamscape rooftop - feeling like a cheat because it was the easiest thing.

When I felt myself completely cornered by my overwhelmingly frightening physical being, left almost frozen with fear, I caught a glimpse of something beautiful - something I had done without really fine for such a long time. And just like that I realized how much I actually want this to happen. Now I´m really scared by the thought that this might indeed not be meant for me and that thought hurts a lot. It has locked itself into my ever racing mind keeping me awake at night and exhausted all day long - at the time when nothing seems to work anymore I start dreaming of the big stuff...

Have I gotten insane? How can I dare to do this when a quite possible letdown might be the very last shattering blow to those shaking grounds of mine? Do I actually go all out when there´s almost nothing left over to lose? You know, that other word for freedom? Am I going down with flying colours or have I just finally reached the heart of the blues? If I had a decent voice I would definitely be able to sing it by now, my throat and soul are hoarse. Pass on the whiskey, my heart is on fire and running low on fuel! Take another little piece of it! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

I am going to dance. Shining - probably quite sweaty. 



All out, all in.



(candle holder by W)

When I was waiting for the traffic lights to change one day I spotted a sticker by some punk band called Schreikrampf (screaming fit) on the lamp post and that word made me want to maybe try writing in German sometime. It does not work so far, I´m not ready yet it seams, but I might start to collect some more words for future purposes.

Sometimes when I wake at night and I don´t find my cat snuggled up next to me, I open the window and call for her, very quietly. She usually comes cantering across the street from the neighbors place, looking like a silent tiny black and white race horse, no thundering hooves but squeaking a response to my calls.

Wenn ich nachts aufwache und keine Katze im Bett finde, rufe ich leise aus dem Fenster nach ihr - wie ein sehr kleines Rennpferd galoppiert sie dann über die Straße.

No - it really doesn´t work... most definitely not.

Before Easter I finally put the utterly trashy plastic Miffy cookie cutter to use to make BROWN SUGAR SANDWICH COOKIES which are very addictive, just like the pink cutter bug I caught from ME & ORLA and passed on to MILAS DELI. I also made PEANUT DATE BARS - the wrapping paper just wouldn´t wrap and I couldn´t be bothered with using twine or masking tape or any such things, so I used rubber bands and I do hope I´ve started a major food styling trend.

A few weeks ago there was a class reunion that turned out rather drab, the highlight being (next to the first trace of lilac in the air that night) an old flame ordering a gin tonic that tasted like a very delicious cucumber salad spiced with lots of pepper and smoked salt. It made me want to turn into someone who has boozy drinks on a regular basis, maybe that might even be a way to self-medicate. I sometimes just wish for a really fun (and utterly yummy) way to lighten the mood, to lift the curtain of anxiety a bit. Oh, I totally see how unhealthy that sounds, but there´s really no danger - I haven´t had a drink in years and the tiny bottles of white wine I bring home are exclusively used for my risotto-style rice puddings. When I think about it, I really have a weak spot for using booze in food - cake glazes, OTCHIPOTCHI´S WHITE WINE BISCUITS, or BUNNIES made of a dough containing Cointreau and then there is this cheese made with beer at one of the whole food stores I can´t get enough of. And despite the fact that I´m not even a meat eater the smell of a roast doused with beer when I ride by a traditional Bavarian inn on my way into town always gets me - and now come summer there´s always the smell of barbecue in the air which I like best when they pour a bit of ale over the meat and fire.

My battery run out at once when I took some pictures and mostly videos of my sister E with the first bits of our new collection in the workshop, but we did get some really fun shots and although some of the styles have been changed by now and we´re going to do another session as soon as she finishes her bachelor´s degree this summer, I do not want to keep these from you.

And then there is the flower bed in my garden that turns regular tulips into parrot varieties - I´m currently in the process of transplanting them elsewhere to see if they stay that way. Could this actually happen? Is there some kind of secret cross-pollination going on?


WORK IS MY SELF-CARE (via JESSICA STANLEY)
Because it features the sentence "EAT YOUR OWN GRASS-FED CAT".
There was already quite a bit of pink involved in the making of the Miffies, but this is actually edible pink: PUFFED RICE DONUTS
Suddenly almost every picture on this blog had disappeared and all you could see were tiny question marks, so while I copied and pasted html code for hours and hours I listened to the VIOLET SESSIONS. I also found some drafts I have never published, mostly because I was afraid there was pain in there again and again and this made me think I should maybe come up with a different subject once in a while, but maybe I´m wrong about that and this is just my specialty. One of them was really good, which is kind of amazing, since I remember writing it at a very dark time and I seldom like what I´ve written anyway.
EVENCLEVELAND has started an INSTAGRAM BOOK CLUB and at first I wasn´t sure what to think about reading a book on vaccinations called ON IMMUNITY, but then I was pretty amazed and haven´t stopped talking about it to everyone I know (and I´m thrilled to be part of a group organized by the creator of THIS).




But I guess I´ll end with a very German - starting very Upper Palatinate I should say - greeting (we won´t stop at one or two greeting words, no, we just pile it on and on):
Pfiadi - servus! Danke - tschüss!

next up in our BOOK CLUB:

ALL THAT I AM / ALLES, WAS ICH BIN by ANNA FUNDER
we´re meeting on 17.5., 19.30
in case you want to join us, send an email to mail(at)wsake.com 
and i´ll let you know the details

These days it feels like I´m living in a gratitude list, so much to enjoy: the slight crackle of pine cones in this unseasonal heat and the clicking of the very old Shimano gear change riding my bike underneath their branches. Asparagus pee smell! Lovely! A poor mouse giving birth to two babies while being caught in a trap (nibbling on a piece of chocolate in between i hope) - felt so sorry for the little creature, but also: LIFE!  Replacing a lot of the shrubs that didn´t make it through this harsh winter with sunroses in various colours, because they not only seem to thrive in the soil of this garden, it´s also SUN + ROSES! Painted my finger nails for the first time in almost two years, which is weird since I own almost a hundred of those tiny bottles - didn´t like, it just doesn´t fit right now, along with a lot of my clothes. They just don´t work, can´t stand a too tight fabric hug, pantyhose work strangely enough, but other than that: FREEDOM! The biggest bargain I made on the flea market was meeting a girl wearing three pieces of our jewellery - I offered her a discount for the next piece right away and she let me take her picture. We have a FAN, so nice! And here´s a question for you: does anyone find the scent of a pear tree in bloom at night pretty sexy, or is it just me? Do I have Spring feelings like the obviously neutered Persian tomcat stalking my likewise neutered cat for weeks now, looking at her with saucer-like eyes, hissing at me (and her) showing off his saber-tooth fangs and then spending the night in my cellar, desperately waiting for her to leave my bedroom and join him? I actually hope I´m nothing like those two, since she´s making scared-to-death-noises as soon as she spots him and the hair standing up along her spine is starting to resemble a fin - he just seems genuinely disturbed. I think my condition could be called seasonal happiness - my mood is so light these days it´s almost disturbing.

There are still panicky moments in between, when I can´t place a symptom, a poking feeling in my belly, an aching where I think the heart is located.

By now I can´t unlock my Iphone using touch-ID anymore, which means I have been able to hang around at the workshop for quite a bit and developing calluses obviously does change ones finger prints.

We´re working on those bits I carved out of wax last summer, had cast in brass (by a very shitty caster) and which are now evolving into something even more crazy than I thought they would. When I asked W if he thinks some of my "combinations" are nutty enough he sighed with relief "oh, you´re actually going for insane on purpose!". He also finds the breeding phase we´re currently in quite grinding, I however love it - there´s nothing better, my trust in finding a solution for these kind of things in life is endless which puts me in a very relaxed state of mind. Even having trouble falling asleep some nights because I´m pondering some eyelet problems I find delightful. Since I started to work with jewellery I always had the very lucky feeling ideas would just come to me, whenever they are ready and if they´re not that great, then I just let them go (this might be happening to that cat chasing a tiny bird over her head) - no hard feelings about that, no work feels ever wasted (well, it does but only when the caster just burns down your carvings), no pressure, no block. Someday it´s just there. Yes, I´m being full of GRATITUDE for that!